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A blog about our busy family with two amazing kids, one of whom happens to have Down syndrome!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Why Me?

When we found out that Lauren would be born with Down syndrome, I admit that I felt a lot of "Why me?" or "Why us?" I wondered what the heck we did to deserve it. I wondered why WE were the ones being stuck with a "broken" baby when drug addicts and complete morons are given healthy children.

Then I moved on to "Why not me?" and "Why not us?" We are no better than anyone else and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Some people just get the short end of the stick.

Now I can honestly say I'm back at "Why me?" and "Why us?" but for completely different reasons...

Why me? Why us? What in the world did we do to deserve a living miracle? What have I done in my life that makes me worthy of such an amazing child to raise? We are no better than anyone else. So why did we get so damn lucky?

Lauren is barely 7 weeks old and has overcome a long hospital stay, sepsis, a collapsed lung, open heart surgery... How could anyone believe...how could I believe that she is somehow "less"? Less than what I deserve, less than what I need, less than what I wanted, less of a person, less mine. Lauren is so much more than anything I could've imagined for myself. So much more than I thought I wanted in a daughter. She is a living miracle. She is perfect.

Every time I look at her I am overcome with pride that she is my daughter, that I get to be her mom. I am so proud of her accomplishments. I am proud of every breath she takes.

7 comments:

  1. She's lucky to have you! You're outlook through everything has been amazing. I know that it's helping Lauren to be so loved.

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  2. Jackie, you're so amazing! I cannot wait to meet Baby Laur and come visit you guys once your home from the hospital and settled back at home once again! Hang in there girlfriend, you guys are doing great and I am so happy to hear of such great progress. Keep your head up. You're a strong strong lady!

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  3. I always figured 'of course us'. Not that I have any illusions about how great a parent I am (since I'm clearly not) but as long as I manage to keep our Babe alive into adulthood (I'm totally on top of the whole 'babies need food to stay alive', I read it in one of those what to expect books *everyone* I know gave me shortly before she was born), I'm one helluva advocate. I can totally blaze a trail and make sure everyone the Babe ever comes into contact with treats her with nothing but the respect she deserves and as a normal, although not typical, person.

    Seeing as she decided to be born in Mexico City, she could have ended up with someone who while they might have been excellent at keeping her alive (better than me probably seeing as that is not very hard) they might have never believed in, or worse yet, never even have encountered, such terms as 'inclusion', 'early intervention', or 'neurodiversity'.

    So 'of course us!' (Also, we're kind of cool. I think ;)

    Glad to have met you and Lauren on your blog also!

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  4. Great post. Lauren is a rock star, and you are just the right family for her. :)

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  5. It's a pretty wonderful evolution of thought isn't it? I feel exactly the same way!

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  6. I felt the exact way over 5 years ago! My Elaina wasn't 'expected' to have.D.S but SURPRISE! She did and it was exactly the way you described it. She immediately went to a seperate hospital from me and went in to a life or death surgery! She eventually came home and my life hasn't been the same since ;) If theres ever anything you need or just a friend to talk to feel free to let me know! I will help out as much as I can!

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  7. Oh I thank you for your raw honesty. It has been hard for me with our family to talk about how I really feel sometimes and the emotional journey DS can take you on. It is nice to be able to cry while reading your post at the very really process, without everything being pushed right to oh she will be just like everyone else look at her she is just fine. I went through the exact emotional process that you describe and they are so perfect and such blessings, this journey is definitely not about me being mom to Mya but me guiding her to Gods magnificent plans for her life.

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