Highs and lows

Every relationship has highs and lows. My parenting relationship with Lauren is no different. I struggle so much with feeling like I'm enough for her, like I'm the mom she deserves. I know I've shared this before, but usually on the hard days, the days she might not love me, I know that I love her enough for both of us. Obviously that's easier said that done and there have been many days I've shed tears over what that looks like on those hard days. I end up feeling so defeated and it makes it hard to even try and engage with her. It's hard because a lot of times lately she's not necessarily physically hard (other than the fact that I can't pick her up so if she drops/flops I have to wait it out) but it's hard because she's just unkind. Lauren is a verbal processor. She is a stream of consciousness type of thinker and she just says everything that comes to mind. I'm so thrilled that her verbal skills are so high, I feel like I constantly need to add this disclaimer.

It's really hard to hear your kid say, "I not love you" or "My brain tells me to tell mom she's ugly" over and over when it's accompanied by spitting, hitting, defiance, etc. This is toddler behavior...and Lauren is 9. It’s a huge reminder to me that she is not, cognitively, like her typical same aged peers. Generally, we can't go places on those days because I know it will be a total shit show. Yesterday I was hoping to take her to a nature trail she's loved in the past. BUT it requires an enormous amount of patience on my part and cooperation on her part to make that work. Yesterday was NOT our day, so our big outing was the grocery store. She was really great while we were there! But the process of getting there (getting her braces and shoes on) resulted in tears from both of us. I wasn't feeling great yesterday (chronic illness sucks) which was, I'm sure, a contributor to our bad day. I end up feeling like a failure at life on bad days because I feel like I'm failing my kids, I have no fucks left to give and don't want to spend time with my husband, I don't sleep well because I'm stressed. As much as Ryan loves to spend time alone or online with his friends, I know he needs more from me and I feel so guilty. It's like a carousel spinning too fast that I can't climb down from.

Today she woke up super happy and we've honestly had a fantastic day. We went to the grocery store...again. I'm incapable of remembering everything on my list in one trip! My sister and niece came over, the girls played outside a ton. Lauren has been super affectionate and sweet. I love days like this. I'm so thankful it was a good day. This weekend is Easter and we have fun things planned so I'm super hopeful we get some good days. We're celebrating my nephew's birthday on Friday. Sunday is Easter. My mother-in-law is coming home tonight for a week and I can't wait to spend time with her!

The kids are home on spring break this week which of course makes me terrified for summer. It will be my first summer working part time so I'll be responsible for my kids all day 5 whole days a week. This probably seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about to my stay at home mom friends...but I am nervous! I'm planning to make a schedule so Lauren and I both know what to expect and hopefully eliminate some of the whining (from both of us, LOL). I don't mean to seem unexcited because I am! I went part time at work mostly because of my health, but getting to spend more time with my kids was a huge factor in the decision! I just have so much self-doubt.

Here's a picture to document our great day! This was taken mid dance party in the driveway thanks to the Moana and Frozen 2 soundtracks!