I've been doing two different bible studies on thanksgiving and thankfulness with my YouVersion bible app. Doing these studies has really helped me to realize how I have so so much to be thankful for. It's been eye opening and with Thanksgiving approaching, I feel like it's a very relevant topic!
However, being thankful doesn't always make me feel qualified.
Today has been a particularly trying day in regards to my sweet Lauren. She has been very whiny, acting like she can't do things for herself (like getting on the couch- she is totally capable of doing this with no assistance), and just crying for no reason other than she wants attention. It's really hard sometimes because I try to have extra patience with her, but when does it become too much? When do I need to put my foot down and demand appropriate behavior? Would she even "get it"?
I do truly feel so incredibly thankful and blessed that I've been chosen to be this special girl's mama. But sometimes I cant help but wonder- why? I don't always feel capable. I don't always feel like I'm very good at this. Raising Lauren has been a lesson in patience, that's for sure. Sometimes, like today, I wonder why God felt I was equipped for this.
When she throws her lunch on the floor for the millionth day in a row, I wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong. When she throws herself to the ground, again for the millionth day in a row, trying to avoid a ponytail I wonder how else I'm supposed to get her ready for school. As much as most of our lives with Lauren really are puppies and rainbows- raising a child with special needs is hard sometimes. Is it okay to admit this out loud?
And I'm sure I don't speak for just myself when I say I feel like I'm all alone in this sometimes. A typical almost 3 year old could get a time-out, be told not to do it again, etc. But I know that right now she doesn't really understand. Sure, she knows she's not supposed to throw her lunch on the ground, but would she understand the consequence of a time-out?
And at this exact same time, Ryan is begging me to "go somewhere just you and me". Sometimes I feel so stretched thin between just one kid, and I have two! It's a balancing act where I don't always succeed.
I was attempting to rock her to sleep for her nap today, assuming she must be tired if she's whining and crying so much. And she was! I knew it, she knew but, but toddlers don't easily admit defeat. I was praying for patience and asking God WHY? Why did You feel I could do this?
A saying popped in my head- God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.
I 100% believe this to be truth. For other people. But it's so hard to apply this to my own life. Days like today I feel like a failure. But I am still so incredibly thankful that she's mine to raise, even if I don't always feel like I'm doing a very good job.