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A blog about our busy family with two amazing kids, one of whom happens to have Down syndrome!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Struggle

I've been doing two different bible studies on thanksgiving and thankfulness with my YouVersion bible app. Doing these studies has really helped me to realize how I have so so much to be thankful for. It's been eye opening and with Thanksgiving approaching, I feel like it's a very relevant topic!

However, being thankful doesn't always make me feel qualified.

Today has been a particularly trying day in regards to my sweet Lauren. She has been very whiny, acting like she can't do things for herself (like getting on the couch- she is totally capable of doing this with no assistance), and just crying for no reason other than she wants attention. It's really hard sometimes because I try to have extra patience with her, but when does it become too much? When do I need to put my foot down and demand appropriate behavior? Would she even "get it"?

I do truly feel so incredibly thankful and blessed that I've been chosen to be this special girl's mama. But sometimes I cant help but wonder- why? I don't always feel capable. I don't always feel like I'm very good at this. Raising Lauren has been a lesson in patience, that's for sure. Sometimes, like today, I wonder why God felt I was equipped for this.

When she throws her lunch on the floor for the millionth day in a row, I wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong. When she throws herself to the ground, again for the millionth day in a row, trying to avoid a ponytail I wonder how else I'm supposed to get her ready for school. As much as most of our lives with Lauren really are puppies and rainbows- raising a child with special needs is hard sometimes. Is it okay to admit this out loud?

 And I'm sure I don't speak for just myself when I say I feel like I'm all alone in this sometimes. A typical almost 3 year old could get a time-out, be told not to do it again, etc. But I know that right now she doesn't really understand. Sure, she knows she's not supposed to throw her lunch on the ground, but would she understand the consequence of a time-out?

And at this exact same time, Ryan is begging me to "go somewhere just you and me". Sometimes I feel so stretched thin between just one kid, and I have two! It's a balancing act where I don't always succeed.

I was attempting to rock her to sleep for her nap today, assuming she must be tired if she's whining and crying so much. And she was! I knew it, she knew but, but toddlers don't easily admit defeat. I was praying for patience and asking God WHY? Why did You feel I could do this?

A saying popped in my head- God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.

I 100% believe this to be truth. For other people. But it's so hard to apply this to my own life. Days like today I feel like a failure. But I am still so incredibly thankful that she's mine to raise, even if I don't always feel like I'm doing a very good job.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet darling - you're not admitting anything except that you're human! YOU get tired too! YOU get frustrated! YOU feel the limits of your humanness! And Yes, you named the truth - God's empowering is the only thing that allows ANY of us moms to endure and succeed. Both things are true! I love an old song that said "the warrior is a child" . . . sometimes we need to drop our shield and sword and climb up in our Father's lap. He will comfort you, confirm your value, fill you with His love and send you out with renewed vigor. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are human, or with being human - as a matter of fact, I've found that you get into trouble when you WON'T acknowledge that!

    Hang in there - you are an amazing mom! Take all the support and breaks offered by those you trust who love you and your family, and rest when you can. You're doing the toughest job in the world - bringing up little people!

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