I've posted a lot about Lauren's heart. I've posted a lot about how emotionally challenging it has been for me to truly accept and come to terms with her heart issues. I've been angry. I've been hurt. I've been sad. I've been extremely bitter. I've written about it here, here, here and here . And I'm sure I'm missing a few posts.
One post talks about how the anger, fear, bitterness and sadness about Lauren having Down syndrome has faded away. How I wished that the same feelings about Lauren's broken heart would do the same.
I feel a calmness in my soul about Lauren's heart. I thought those feelings would never dissipate but they really have. My heart is not healed of those feelings or the overwhelming fear that something else could go wrong, but I am doing so much better.
My heart is so full with life right now. I feel a sense of vitality that I wasn't sure I could possess. Ryan is in preschool and loving it. He is developing such personality! Lauren is just this vibrant energy in our lives. She has breathed new life into this family. Greg and I are really happy.
I don't have room in my heart for that kind of anger anymore. We have a full, happy life. My children are huge joy. My husband is an amazing man to have by my side. I have a job that I really enjoy. I have meaningful friendships, although I wish I had more time to nurture them. We are blessed with wonderful extended families. Where I was able to let go of the anger and the bitterness, peace and joy have taken root.
Martin Luther King Jr said, "Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness." It really is tempting. Holding onto my bitterness and anger allowed me to feel justified. And there are still times where it sneaks back into my heart. But where bitterness engulfed me I had no room to grow. Yet none of us is promised a life without pain. I can't pinpoint exactly when I let go, but I feel so much more free and open. I feel a lightness that wasn't there before. And as the Rolling Stones taught us about life, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."
I need joy.